Resentment: The Prison That Prevents Us From Moving Forward

There are people in whom chronic resentment dwells.  In their minds, resentment pilots in an obsessive and corrosive way, in addition to that uncompromising defense of the ego where no space is left for understanding, empathy and respect. Few emotions erect more rigid bars like that where they blame others for everything that has happened to them … and they predict what will happen to them.

Many of us could instantly identify those profiles who spend much of their time remembering all the tears of fortune they have encountered, without seeing the influence of their own way of acting. This type of attribution style and behavior is exceedingly common. However, sometimes we too should do a little self-reflection exercise.

Resentment is above all, the firm reluctance to exercise forgiveness. It is allowing a disappointment or a grievance to settle permanently in us to act as the worst of poisons. It is clear that we have the right to feel angry and indignant: anger has a part that helps us. For example, it can give us enough energy to defend ourselves at a certain time. It is the abuse or mismanagement of this emotion that hurts us.

However, knowing how to manage and handle such situations is a principle of mental health. Because feeding the thought that the world has conspired against us reduces inertia to happiness. Because resentment corrodes self-esteem, and clings us to that role of perpetual victim that neither achieves nor does its part to promote their healing and liberation.

The anatomy of resentment

Most of us harbor a touch of resentment. It is that little trace of uncomfortable bitterness towards whoever hurt us at some point. It may have been an affectionate partner, a family member or a friend who shot the arrow of betrayal at us… Be that as it may, this type of emotion is as common as it is understandable at the same time.

However, it should be noted that resentment configures a dimension that has not been treated much by psychologists and psychiatrists. From a sociological point of view, however, it is of considerable interest. From this perspective, it is assumed, for example, that many dictators in our history harbored this emotional entity in a chronic and obsessive way.

Resentment causes them to rationalize (and even justify) certain aspects that apparently do not make sense. For example, if in the past a person from a specific group did something to me, I can develop a feeling of distrust and hatred towards all of them. As we can see, these are both adverse and dangerous situations that should be taken into account.

From resentment to hatred there is a step

Rebecca Sherman, Ph.D. in psychology at Flinders University in South Australia, conducted a study on resentment that revealed something very interesting to her. Through an experiment with students of the faculty, he was able to see that often, behind this dimension , hatred and even the feeling of pleasure is also hidden when the other person suffers some type of incident or misfortune.

Therefore, envy is ruled out from this dimension and it is confirmed that what we harbor towards someone who did something to us at some point in our past is anger and a feeling of hatred.

Resentment is a black hole that catches everything

We therefore know that from a sociological point of view, resentment can be behind many hateful behaviors. However, where this dimension is most abundant is at the family level. Moreover, it is estimated that where it arises most is between parent-child relationships.

Children tend to blame their parents for much of their unhappiness. Bad parenting, abandonment, authoritarian education style or certain behaviors, sometimes causes all the present discomfort to be overturned in them.

In this way, something that sooner or later we must understand is that we all have a firm obligation to ourselves: to stop being victims of our past and to be responsible for our present. 

In case of allowing resentment to engulf us, endless psychological processes will take place:

• Thought distortion.
• Simplification of reality.
• Confirmation bias …

All these processes are summarized in the same thing: justify that everything that happens to us is the absolute responsibility of what they did to us in the past. No one can and does not deserve to live this way.

How to handle resentment

Resentment should not be our calling, our way of life. We must get rid of this corrosive rust and that feeling of injustice as soon as possible. Because there is no reward in this approach. Self-esteem, human potential, personal freedom and of course, happiness are extinguished.

The world is already unfair enough to accumulate the weight of our unresolved resentments. Therefore, it would be useful to reflect on these strategies.

Keys to turning off resentment

• Work on our values ​​and purposes: it is common for “resentful” profiles to forget what to live for, what can and should awaken their illusions and personal goals. Setting your gaze on a purpose and clarifying values ​​is a first step.
• Management and emotional reconstruction. The resentment completely viralizes our emotions to feed anger, disappointment, sadness. We need to purge that negativity by awakening healthier and more powerful emotions. To do this, nothing better than connecting with people in a more respectful and compassionate way, starting new projects, new plans …

• Psychological therapy. The resentful person is often someone who carries a hurt, a trauma. In these cases it is common that they are very sensitive profiles, reluctant to initiate changes and that they raise fierce palisades around them. It is almost impossible for them to get out of these traps by themselves and therefore, it is key that they receive the help of specialized professionals.

Resentment is blind and blinding. Freeing ourselves and taking off this weight is an act of personal responsibility in which we should all invest time and effort. Stop blaming others for your own unhappiness is key to taking control of your life and gaining in well-being. Let’s think about it.