Power Games In The Couple

Power games start with the relationship. However, its importance is decisive when it is consolidated. At first, in the infatuation stage, efforts are not measured. So, any sacrifice seems acceptable and it even seems crazy the possibility of discarding that crazy idea that has occurred to us to surprise and please the other. Our thoughts are occupied by him or her and the main objectives are to spend more time together and to give solidity to the bond.

If there are no matches or common spaces, no problem; are created. If one of you loves to ski, there is no confrontation; one learns and the other teaches (while in his clumsiness he sees him so attractive…). In addition, the pupil interprets this concession as a fortune: he has enriched his skills drawer and has also spent time with the person who wants to pass it on. What does the context matter?

In addition, if to satisfy the desires of the other, we have to steal time from our obligations or hobbies, it does not hurt. We feel like we really are where we want and be and doing what we really want to do. But what happens when we leave this stage behind?

Power plays in the growth of the couple

The infatuation stage has a beginning, but it also usually has an end. Partly because the wear and tear left by this emotional roller coaster is great. The alarms of those demands of other facets of our life that we have left in the background begin to sound too loud. Falling in love is definitely not a limbo that we can stay in for a long time. If we relax our friendly relations, they will break down; If we are clueless at work, the company will probably find a way to replace us.

Thus, giving in or doing what the other says, in the early stages of the relationship, does not cause conflicts. However, as the months or years go by and adjustments must be made to create a balanced situation in terms of demands, this struggle for power appears or intensifies. One wants one plan and another wants another, and the fight or negotiation begins. At these times, each person can use a different strategy.

Someone may think of conforming to the wishes of the other, but imposing certain conditions. You can also choose to defend your option, letting the other impose some requirements, such as not prolonging the activity too long. But let’s be a little more twisted because power games, in general, are not that simple or are played with open cards.

When the conflict appears

Pedro is looking forward to a trip with his partner to Paris. You know she doesn’t particularly like this city. So Pedro anticipates a conflict and wants the power or the advantage in this decision. What could I do? Well, you could do everything we’ve said before, but you could also let your partner take on larger power quotas before it comes time to consider it. Thus, at the time when it was time to decide on that year’s vacation, his partner would have acquired a kind of debt with him. Ana, it’s up to me to decide something, right?

However, Pedro must be very careful with this strategy. There is a certain premeditation in her and if Ana, her partner, identifies her, she could feel bad and accuse him of not having been honest. In this way, Pedro would not only lose all the advantage that he has tried to gain, but he would be left in a very weak situation.

On the other hand, on many occasions, these types of strategies are not consciously drawn. We can do it without realizing it. In addition, in many cases, when a couple knows each other a lot, because they have lived together for many years, they reach a point of maturity in which both identify these types of movements and assume them as part of the seasoning of the relationship itself.

Unhealthy Power Games

Of course, there are situations in which this type of power play in the couple becomes dangerous. In fact, this is one of the reasons why we are most suspicious when a couple is formed in which one of the members is very young and the other is very old. We assume that one has played a lot and therefore gained skill, while the other has not. Thus, we fear that power will be concentrated in one of the two people, leaving the other subject.

Some people, such as those with a tendency to jealousy, tend to fight intensely for this power. They understand that control over the other will prevent them from leaving with another person; thus, they do not mind using any means, such as emotional blackmail or damaging the self-esteem of the other in order to get what they want. In this way, they do not hesitate to cross certain red lines to achieve their purpose.

On the other hand, in a power game we will hardly transcend these limits when we take the other into account. When we are not only concerned with defending our wishes, but we also take care of the other in this defense; sideways, we do not lose sight of your wishes or interests. Contrary to what we talked about to refer to the negative side, this struggle for power is positive when we do take into account the means we use to get more space for our desires or tastes.

The data tells us that in a healthy relationship there are power games. What protects the bond from its edge is that they move within limits that both recognize as acceptable and that at no time systematically subdue the other. In other words, whoever wins in each conflict wins, none is annulled.