My Partner Speaks Badly To Me: What Can I Do?

We have all heard on occasion a close person make statements such as “my partner speaks badly to me”, “he does not take my feelings into account” or “he does not treat me with respect, I no longer know what to do”. It is even probable that we ourselves have pronounced those words before a trusted person. In this sense, communication problems are one of the main dissatisfaction factors in romantic relationships.

Human relationships are complex and responsibility is often not one-sided. The couple is made up of two individuals who participate in joint dynamics that could not be maintained without the collaboration of one of them.

However, psychological or verbal abuse can cause such damage to self-esteem that the victim feels unable to recognize what is happening or to act to remedy it. Therefore, if you find yourself in this situation, we want to offer you some guidelines that can increase your clarity.

Verbal abuse or communication problems?

A first important aspect to bear in mind is that the perception about our most intimate ties is not always correct. The emotional vulnerability that involves connecting at a deep level with another can lead us to perceive ourselves as victims and label the other as an executioner when it really is a communication problem.

Sánchez-Aragón and Díaz-Loving described six possible communication patterns in the couple related to the satisfaction experienced by both members. Some of these communicative styles (such as negative or violent) are clearly harmful and involve contempt, humiliation and disrespect. However, others such as reserved or avoidant are characterized by a cold and dry communication that can cause damage to the partner, but which in itself does not imply aggression.

This is especially relevant when the communication and coping styles of both members of the couple are diametrically opposed. If one of the people needs to dialogue and express themselves emotionally and the other opts for avoidance and prefers to take time alone, the conflict is served.

Often in these situations, the pressure of the more open person can make the other try to move away, to escape. For this reason, it is essential to know our own communicative style and that of the couple, to find a balance.

Why does my partner speak badly to me?

At other times, verbal aggression and disrespect are evident. When one person insults, yells, despises or mocks the other there is no justification possible. However, it can be helpful to understand where these behaviors come from. For example, these may be due to one of the following situations:

• The person is going through a complicated or stressful personal situation and, his inability to manage emotions leads him to react inappropriately with the other.
• The couple is immersed in a negative communication dynamic in which both participate. Disrespect is mutual and the process is escalating.
• The person shows a personality pattern marked by aggressiveness, domination or lack of empathy that is maintained over time. This may be due to past trauma and requires personal psychological work.

What to do if my partner speaks badly to me?

Whatever the underlying motives, verbal aggression and disrespect are not tolerable in a relationship. Therefore, if you find yourself in this situation, you can take some of the following measures:

• Acknowledge and accept what is happening. This is a fundamental first step: you have to stop justifying or minimizing the seriousness of your partner’s behaviors. Facing reality is painful, but the emotional consequences of continuing to allow it can be even more so.

• Express yourself assertively. Let the other person know what kinds of attitudes and behaviors hurt you and what you expect from the relationship.
• Set limits. We can all have a bad day or feel more stressed or irritated at certain times. However, there are certain red lines that cannot be crossed under any circumstances.
• Take decisions. When we set limits, we must know that these must be accompanied by consequences. If your partner continues to disrespect you, get away from that situation and end the relationship.

Choose you

If you have reached the point of affirming “my partner speaks badly to me, disrespects me and hurts me emotionally” you can no longer take shortcuts or continue to avoid the situation. You are at a key point where you have to choose and you have to be clear that you are the right choice.

Ending a relationship is painful: the fear of loneliness and the feeling of failure can be paralyzing and giving up the dreams and expectations built together is not easy. However, staying in a harmful bond can be devastating on a psychological and emotional level. Therefore, choose to love yourself, take care of yourself and respect yourself and do not continue in a place where the same is not offered to you.