How To Comfort With Words According To Science: 4 Basic Keys

Not everyone knows how to comfort with words. The reality is that the good art of giving support, of providing warmth, comfort and comfort to those who are suffering is not easy. Thus, although pain has many forms and multiple origins, in reality, when it comes to being supportive to someone there are always common strategies that can help us.

The Swedish writer Stig Dagerman said that the human need for comfort is insatiable. Somehow, this is a dimension that we always miss and that creates streaks, wounds and voids. Comfort starts from understanding the other and this is perhaps what we often long for, an understanding or an authentic connection from others to internal realities.

Nobody asks that when one has a bad time, the other feels that dejection in the same way. What is expected is an exquisite combination of knowing how to be without judging, of clothing without the need to harass. The consolation starts from the invisible dimension of real affection and, above all, from that facilitation that invites us to release burdens, to leave out (and share) what hurts inside.

We delve into it.

Keys to knowing how to comfort with words

“Courage, everything happens, do not worry that this is nothing, I really feel what happened to you, give yourself time and you will see that in three months you will feel better.” When it comes to comforting, there are multiple resources and expressions made that, in many cases, far from fulfilling that purpose, further intensify the suffering.

It is true that behind these expressions is good faith. It is true that whoever tells us that “ calm down, I’ve been through this and it is overcome ” does so without ill intention. However, whoever pronounces that amalgam of unfortunate words does not know that with that phrase he transmits pressure to us (everyone overcomes it and if you don’t do it, you’re going wrong).

Lack of wisdom, lack of skills in terms of emotional support, psychological clumsiness … There are many mistakes that are made in this practice and although there is empathy, although the other person does connect with our discomfort and pain, we do not always know what to do. what to say or how to respond. Understanding the keys to knowing how to comfort according to science can be tools of great importance that we should all integrate.

1. I know you are going through a moment and I am very sorry

John Gottman, clinical psychologist, researcher and expert in couple relationships, also explains to us in his works how to carry out that area that, in reality, is also decisive in an affective bond. Thus, it emphasizes that when one of the members suffers, what they expect from the other is to be their sounding board – understanding and empathy.

Gottman defines it as being a close “witness” of the other person’s pain. To be a mirror and that close presence that understands and knows how to be present. Therefore, one of the best phrases or expressions that we can use is, for example “I know that you are suffering and I am very sorry”, «” I am very sorry for what you are going through, I understand your discomfort, your pain, sadness … “.

The key is to validate the feelings of the other, to make him see that everything he feels makes sense. For this reason, it is important to facilitate relief, create a refuge so that the person feels free when it comes to expressing what they need.

2. No wise reasoning, judgments or references to own experiences are needed

When you are going to offer comfort and support to a person, you don’t need pearls of wisdom or philosophical reasoning. Furthermore, it will not help the other person if we explain that we have gone through the same thing as them and that in the end, everything passes or is solved.

The reality that each individual lives is unique and exceptional; therefore, it is better to avoid comparisons. On the other hand, studies, such as those carried out at the University of Illinois (United States), indicate something important. To comfort with words it is necessary to take into account the following aspects:

• Conversational behaviors are essential in the process of comfort and support, but in them we must avoid judgments. Expressions such as “this has happened to you because of (…)” or “what you should have done is (…)” far from helping, invalidate.

3. The person who suffers does not want advice

Tips and recommendations can be given by a teacher to your high school student. Also when a friend (expressly) asks us for guidance on a specific topic. However, in the field of comfort, emotional comfort and psycho-emotional support it is not useful for someone to tell us what to do in these circumstances.

Dr. Xi Tian and other scientists at Pennsylvania State University investigated a year ago how to comfort with words and found that well-intentioned advice is counterproductive. Moreover, what it often generates is psychological reactance, that is, a tendency to reject the indications or recommendations made.

In essence, to avoid such a reaction, it is necessary to avoid telling the other what to do or feel. Expressions like “get that out of your head or don’t think about it anymore” should be replaced by “what you feel is normal, I understand you and I’m sorry”.

4. I am with you for whatever you need (when you tell me)

When it comes to delving into how to comfort with words, it is almost more important to be clear about what not to do. One mistake we make very often is obsessing over “being there. ” It is true that closeness helps and is essential, but you have to know how to leave spaces, allow time and respect your own needs.

Supporting without invading is an art. Being close without being overwhelming is a smart and necessary resource. To do this, it is recommended that the person who suffers knows that we think of them, that we carry them in our hearts and that whatever they need is immediately available to us. Being that shoulder on which to cry, that look in which to reflect and that presence that knows how to listen is key in the art of support.

To conclude, all at some point, we have found ourselves in this complex situation. Good among those who give comfort and also, among those who have needed them. Neither situation is simple, it is true, however, it is good to normalize them and enable us in this essential life competence. Comfort requires prudence, wisdom, and that emotional connection that comforts without invading.