Not For Insisting On Criticism Changes The Other One Earlier

A reproach is a criticism, a complaint about the other, an aggression disguised as words. He is a monster that feeds on frustration and grows bigger and bigger with resentment and anger. He intends to change everything, but his only real purpose is to release tension and destroy the other.

On many occasions we use reproach or hints to complain about something that we do not like about the other person and we hope that in this way they will change their way of acting. However, this type of criticism does not encourage change, but rather disqualifies the other person, making them feel guilty and helpless .

Whoever receives criticism feels attacked and his immediate reaction is usually that of defense, anger or guilt. Like the wind that erodes the stone little by little, the reproaches wear out the relationship between two people in a discreet but continuous way.

The frustration of the critic

They say that the eyes are the mirror of the soul, however, in many cases, what really reflects who we are is not so much the eyes but our words. The reproaches betray the state of anger, frustration, lack of communication skills and management of the other.

Its function is a mixture of emotional discharge and manipulation of the other. Whoever does it throws sharp words with the intention that the other person changes his mind and does what the critic wants. However, these messages usually produce little change.

Its causes can be varied, from small insignificant actions to reproaches about important aspects in the relationship. When they occur in isolation, they do not usually lead to excessive difficulties, the problem comes when they become a habit and not an exception.

They are sword-shaped because they are long and sharp

Sometimes they are small, subtle but constant, like the torture of the drop of water that falls on the head of the other day after day until causing serious injuries. Other times the criticisms are limited and punctual, but abrupt and intense and produce damage that takes time to repair.

Reproaches are often repetitive, stereotyped, emotionally charged and are repeated over time. They usually refer to aspects of the past or habitual actions of the other and focus on the person rather than the fact.

Reproaches are attacks and are often accompanied by hurtful words. In their most extreme forms they can ridicule, insult or threaten the other person, making them feel helpless, sad, guilty, unworthy or insecure.

Wears but doesn’t change

Normally the effect they produce is usually the opposite, the more one complains and criticizes something, the less likely it is that the other will do so. Distance people from each other, making change and communication increasingly complicated.

Criticism and communication problems are usually one of the main factors that lead to ending the relationship between two people. Reproaches act as a barrier and prevent the relationship from flowing properly.

There are other less harmful forms of communication

If what happens to you is that your emotions drown you, you can use the other as a support instead of as a punching bag. Even if it is aspects of the other that cause you frustration, you can lean on him, tell him in a calm tone and without reproach how you feel, what has bothered you and what you would like to see happen in the future.

Transform reproach into petition. It is not the same to say: “You are always busy, it seems that every day you care less” than “I feel that lately we do not spend time together, I miss you, do you think we could do something together this week?”

Some techniques to transform your criticisms into less harmful messages are the following:

• The feelings are yours regardless of who produces them. Do not blame the other for what you are experiencing and assume your emotions as your own. Change the “You drive me crazy” for “When you do that I usually get nervous.”
• Focus on the present or the future instead of the past. It is more appropriate to act on the now since it leaves room for action while the past locks us up in a cage from which we cannot escape. It is more appropriate to say: “Next time I would like you to do it” rather than “You never listen to me.”

• Be specific instead of generalizing. A person cannot change what he is, but he can change what he does. Focusing on concrete actions instead of the other’s way of being will help to better solve the problem. Try a: “Today you are somewhat angry, is something wrong?”, Instead of with a “you are an edge, you are always on the nose.”
• Uses please and thank sient or without irony. The right words and tone can avoid multiple arguments.

In the virtue of asking is the virtue of not giving

Expressing yourself properly does not imply that you have to agree. It is possible that even with good communication there are still aspects in which you do not agree or you would like the other to change. However, sometimes the meeting is not always possible.

Dialogue and change from closeness and support is much easier than from distance and pain. Although sometimes two people cannot agree, it is always more comforting to make the other your ally instead of your enemy.