Do You Know What Expert Syndrome Is And How Can You Avoid It?
Paula tells Sofía that her relationship is deteriorating more and more, that she is not comfortable at work and that her family requires more attention than she can give them. Sofía nods incessantly while looking at some children playing in the park and responds “Paula, sometimes life is not as we expect it, you have to be strong and you don’t have to get bitter. When I was sick I used to catch and I went to the park to go for a walk. And look at me now, I’m so happy with everything … “
Do you think Sofía’s words will help Paula feel better?
Probably not. We often make the mistake of giving our opinion of something when really the other person just needs to be heard. Zenón de Elea said that “if nature gave us two eyes, two ears and a single mouth, it is to see and hear ourselves twice as much as we speak” . At some point we have been able to hear this type of advice or we have even given it ourselves. Are they adequate or useful? Sometimes they can even be irritating and insulting.
This tendency to preach is what we call “the expert syndrome.” Obviously it is not something pathological but a way of calling this common behavior. We often tend to manifest infallible remedies and to elaborate transcendental reflections that have served us to overcome adversity at a given moment. The normal thing is that, with this behavior, we want to do good to the other person; However, there are people who behave in this way to get rid of “the dead in the middle”, to be above or to show off their ability to solve their own problems. In all cases we can re-educate this bad habit to communicate more effectively.
Listening patiently is better charity than giving. For this, we need to be aware of the mistakes we make when listening:
-Avoid anxiety and wait patiently for the other person to finish exposing their problems.
-Eliminate the tendency to judge the lives of others from your perspective. Don’t tell your story when the other needs to talk to you.
-It is not appropriate to interrupt the speech of the other person but you can (and it is advisable) to offer some kind of incentive for the other person to keep talking (for example: I see, uhmm, you’re right )
– Don’t get distracted. In the example at the beginning, Sofia was distracted and looked at the children in the park while Paula talked. This conveys a lack of interest to the other person.
-Don’t answer superficially. Sometimes we just need to be listened to and understood, we are not looking for advice but for relief. It is a mistake to offer premature help or solutions.
– Do not counterargument. There are people to whom, as you speak, are constantly trying to refute what you say. The intention may be good but it makes communication difficult. If at any time you are tempted to do so, avoid it. (For example, eliminate questions like: and why not? )
– Allow emotional expression such as crying or maintaining silence and do not get carried away by the anxiety of controlling it. It is natural and conveys trust and connection.
-Obviously, the conversation does not end when the other person finishes his speech. It is good to summarize what has been said emphasizing the most important thing to convey that we have understood what it transmits to us.
– Non-verbal communication is essential : direct your body and your gaze towards the person you are talking to and let them know with your gestures that you are willing to listen to them and that you are interested in what they are telling you.
The ability to listen actively is a skill that can be learned and taught. Active listening means paying attention to what the other person says by being empathetic, that is, putting ourselves in their place. Here is an illustrative video about how important it is to listen to others with all our senses :
Image courtesy of Krasnaja Sapocka
