9 Ways They Invalidate Your Emotions

When they tell you that “what you feel is nothing” or that “you are an exaggeration because you take everything seriously” they are invalidating your emotions. We explain to you in what ways they are damaging your emotional universe.

There are many ways that they invalidate your emotions. In fact, it is very possible that they have done it on more than one occasion during your childhood. This may even be a recurring problem in your relationship. Because the ability to allow the emotional state of another person to have its space and be respected, is not something that everyone understands or facilitates.

Friedrich Nietzsche said that we must understand more what the heart says, because if we neglect it, soon the control of the head is also lost. And, indeed, this idea illustrates very well as a metaphor what happens when we neglect and even mistreat the universe of psychophysiological states that constitute our emotions.

Validation is an essential communication tool and also an extraordinary channel for expressing love and acceptance within relationships. Doing it (and doing it well) constitutes a basic nutrient in parenting, in the correct psychological development of the little ones and also, that language that we must use in all kinds of bond with the people around us.

Child looking out the window representing the ways in which your emotions are invalidated

Ways they invalidate your emotions

The subject of emotional invalidation is more complex than it seems. Somehow , we even unknowingly invalidate the emotional states of others. We do it because they have instilled in us some codes, some forms and even a series of perceptions. Thus, to the person who cries or suffers, we do not hesitate to say that “calm down, nothing happens, that which worries you will happen sooner or later”.

We console and confer support with all the good intention without knowing that this good intention, at times, constrains and blocks. Furthermore, studies such as those carried out at Wayne State University in Michigan, for example, show us something of great importance. The correct validation of the mother towards her children during the upbringing favors the good development of the emotional conscience and the psychological health of these children tomorrow.

Mastering this craft of human relationships reverts to many more areas than we think. It is decisive, therefore, to detect those incorrect practices, those attitudes and expressions that hurt, that invalidate us emotionally. We analyze them.

1. It is not so bad

Indeed. At some point in our lives they have dropped us a “it’s not that bad” or one of their most classic similes “that’s nothing” or “it’s that you care about everything.” With these types of expressions they make us feel like the kings of drama or worse still, people incapable of dealing with life’s difficulties, creatures with little competence in emotional matters.

Among the ways in which they invalidate your emotions this is, without a doubt, the most common and also the one that is repeated the most in childhood. Let’s be clear: every experience that a person lives is unique and we must respect it.

2. Are you really crying about it?

How can you cry over that nonsense! Seriously? If these things are not worth worrying about!… Here we have another clear example of how they damage our self-esteem by minimizing or underestimating our worry, sadness, disappointment or anger.

To this day, the expression and emotional release through tears continues to look uncomfortable.

3. You shouldn’t feel like this, you have to be strong

“You have to be strong!” They tell you. “It’s not worth feeling like this!” They insist. Now … what if right now I feel down, sad and angry? Am I weak from experiencing this series of emotions? Obviously not . But another way they invalidate your emotions is when they insist on this very thing, that you must be strong, that someone like you shouldn’t feel that way.

These reasonings convey contempt and superiority. Denying a person’s emotional perspective can make them feel small, weak, and unable to manage their life. Let’s not allow it.

4. Don’t think about it, keep going

Imagine for a moment that you have been preparing for an important marathon for more than a year. Now, a month before, you have an accident and you break your leg. Faced with this situation, you cannot help feeling desolate, sad and angry. However, someone close to you, a brother, a friend or your partner tells you not to think too much about what happened, to move on.

But how to do it if you have a broken leg? The pain is there, you cannot walk, you cannot move and the disappointment after so much effort you cannot hide, cover or ignore.

5. I will not argue about that with you

Another way they invalidate your emotions often occurs in relationships. Something very common is that the moment a difference, disagreement or any problem arises, the other person tells us that they are not going to argue with us. Typically, they do so by raising their voices as a warning and blunt.

This expression is an example of violent communication. It is not only a way of invalidating ourselves, it is a way of belittling our opinion, perspective and needs.

6. You get angry about everything, you can’t talk to you

That expression may be known to many, the one in which we are told that we take everything the wrong way, that we cannot talk to us because we get angry about nothing. Sharing life with a family member or partner who constantly repeats this phrase can be very harmful.

Woman in bed depicting the ways in which your emotions are invalidated

7. You don’t have to be like this

Another way they invalidate your emotions is when they tell you to stop, to calm down, not to be like that. This phrase, this resource, is undoubtedly the most common and the one that we find most frequently. If we say this to a child, we will intensify their emotions even more and we will not help them deal with their internal reality.

If we use this comment with a friend or family member, we will belittle their situation, their feelings and the experience they feel at that moment.

8. You are too sensitive

You are too sensitive, everything affects you! Many of us have seen ourselves in this same situation, the one in which someone criticizes us that we oversize certain things, that we react so intensely. These types of situations make us feel alone and misunderstood.

9. Ways they invalidate your emotions: I’ve already been through that, it could be worse

There is a situation that who more and who less has lived in their own skin. It is the one in which someone underestimates our emotional reality by pointing out that things could be worse. Moreover, they do not hesitate to point out that they themselves have gone through the same thing as us and that the thing “is not so bad.”

When someone suffers, when someone deals with an instant of high emotional complexity, the last thing we expect is to resort to narcissism, to “that is nothing, mine was more important” or to “is that you are drowning with a glass of water and I know how to swim among sharks ”.

It is evident that we will always find figures with this profile, personalities with that lack of accuracy, low competence and no ability in emotional matters. The decisive thing is that we know how to react to this type of invalidation. Because who does not respect our emotions, does not respect us as people.